I (guess) I could use some *gulp, help…maybe. 

I’m definitely known for having a “bleeding heart”. If there’s someone in need, be it a loved one, stranger or animal, I have an intense personal drive towards how much and how fast I can get them some relief or assistance. My mother is exactly the same, so I learned from a great example.

I, on the other hand, hate asking for help. Saying I can’t do something myself or that I need someone else to assist me to complete something has just always felt like…well, weakness. (I deleted and re-wrote that sentence about 7 times.) Ugh. Fucking issues Haha.  I hate even admitting possible weakness to myself. 

The odd part is, I never see others in this way, just myself. When someone else is in need I’m always the one assuring them that it’s all totally normal and ok and that everyone needs help once and while. Clearly I don’t listen to myself. At all. 

My current situation:

We just moved into a beautiful new home. We love it. All the boxes are finally gone, but so much construction and remodeling was done before we moved in that a month later we are still finding little things that need attention or finishing touches. 

Our 2 toddler boys (3 & 2 years old) are so extremely happy here, it has really added some extra magic to our family dynamic in such positive ways. 

We own our business and run it from home…it’s a multifaceted company with many challenging aspects that change month to month. And right now is one of those rare, but challenging business times. 

I’m a licensed health practitioner and love to do wellness, education, and events. I hold contracts with products to grow their presence and sample them out to other mothers at events like play dates and meetups for even more exposure. 

Did I mention I’m pregnant with twins? Yup! Boy/girl fraternal twins are bustin’ into this crazy family this summer. 

FML. In the best way possible.

Pregnant with my boys, I was super active. I did pretty much everything I did while not pregnant. We went to Disneyland, took our trips, did all our work, took part in many a spin class, went on hikes…you name it and I probably did it without much thought that I couldn’t. And I’m evermore grateful that my boys allowed it. 

These twins are not up for all that, and have made it clear pretty early on. The next part is wasted energy to even write but to be totally honest, I spent the better part of the first trimester extremely sick. I started the first weeks of pregnancy with a nasty case of bronchitis. I was bitten by a pretty venomous spider and had a gnarly infection and now a “cool” scar from the whole ordeal on my hip. (Tattoo coverup suggestions?) My sciatic now completely locks on me and a lot of time, I physically cannot get up or have intense fear of falling. I HATE even mentioning all of these things. 

Then, our 3 year old recently ran and told dad that mom needed help on the floor. (I was totally fine but just needed a minute for the spasms to stop before I stood up all the way). My husband of course was freaked. I get really winded, like ridiculously short of breath just fucking walking….like, to my front door from the driveway! I also have the typical afternoon preggo brain crash and have a really hard time completing simple tasks. 
All of this is to be expected and I’m sure totally normal. But to me? It’s an utter and complete breakdown of character and sign of major weakness in me as a person. It’s breaking me down and making me feel like the amazing and absolute magic of these twins entering our lives is being dulled by the physical affects it’s having on me personally. 

Today was a totally positive high risk doctors appointment. All looked good. Twins are on track and things are healthy and happy. But I left feeling stiff, tired, unhinged. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I just broke down. For context, I’m not really the crazy, hormone, crying or screaming pregnant type. So when I was just leaking out my eyes my husband was a bit lost. I could see that me saying out loud how much harder this was on me this time around had him instantly worried. He was shocked, and totally bewildered. “You ever complain”. And it’s true, I don’t. I hate listening to others complain and I certainly don’t want to hear it from myself. But I’m feeling worn out. Stressed. Completely overwhelmed. And for whatever reason, today was my day to breakdown and admit all of that. 

Now I’m embarrassed. I showed major weakness and it’s a huge blow to who I am and how I live. 

This is, of course, 100% stupid. I know better and I would be full of encouraging words and thoughts and lectures to anyone I love in the same situation. But not for me. Why is that? 

Either way, I was thinking how much I didn’t want to share this, but then I thought, “someone must feel the same, and maybe they need to hear it from my stubborn ass.” So…

You’re not weak.

You’re human. 

Although you CAN do anything, you can’t do everything. 

Sometimes life has a bigger, better, master plan. 

Even us really independent girl bosses can use a good strong boost from someone we love to get us through things. 

Pick your head up, brush off the sad, negative self talk and smile! Because when you finally admit, “I could use some help”, you are super lucky to have people willing to jump in and do so. Not everyone is so blessed. Be grateful for it. Get through some of the hard stuff with those around you, and get back to helping others and being happy! (Btw 99% of this is geared towards myself.) Haha.

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