Dear Death: UGH.

14444754_10154164022458124_8107185996048218710_oUnlike my work, this blog is my real life ramblings. It has been quite a shock to have my 2nd blog post be about my cousin’s sudden death instead of it’s intended post about a recent event. I really wanted to tell you all about the fun we had at Sony Studios, but right now I just can’t.
I suppose this is the part for cuss words?
In our house, death is a cuss word. We have had our share of face to face encounters with death here, but I’ll save that for another time.

My cousin is a beautiful, fragile soul with blonde hair, fair-skinned with colorful artwork displayed upon it. She is married to Oscar- a handsome smart ass man that pulls off a blue suit and pink tie combo like no other, (seriously, you should see it). Exactly one week ago at our cousin’s wedding he was sporting that look and we were all laughing, dancing, talk shit about how the 4 of us are sucker older parents to our affectionately dubbed “green bean” Irish/Mexican toddlers.

Now comes the shitty part- life changes on you without warning. Sometimes it feels like it gets off on reminding us that this whole deal is temporary and not 100% our own. While driving home last night, my cousins were in a car accident and Oscar was killed. This happens all the time, everyday, around the world, but until it cracks open your little world…nothing else quite hits you to the core.

I cannot even begin to imagine what my cousin is feeling. Nor do I want to. But I do know that when I squeezed her this morning, no matter how hard I held her and sent her every ounce of love in my heart, she couldn’t be healed by it. I know that my heart hurt all day. I was depressed. My husband and I laid around and tried everything we could not to get upset about anything. I bought 3 toddler picture books online to help my cousin explain a father’s death to her 2 year old Liam. Because, life goes on, with or without you and the without you part is the worst.

I believe in much more than this singular life. I think somewhere in another plain/reality/time Oscar is alive and vibrant, existing and loving. I believe we are long-lasting, spiritual beings simply living a physical experience, but that doesn’t help. Not at all. Because today, this morning, my cousin’s pain was palpable and Oscar was not. Liam was playing with trucks and cars and giving happy hugs and smiles without any realization of what today will be for the rest of his life. And for that, I say…F**k. This. Shit.

If you’d like to contribute to the family:

http://www.gofundme.com/oscarpenafamily

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